What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Macho does not prove mucho.
