I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Never fight an inanimate object.
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
