Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
