If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
Be obscure clearly.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
I never liked you, and I always will.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
After all is said and done, sit down.
I read part of it all the way through.
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
