A day without laughter is a day wasted so let’s make every slip on a banana peel count.

Life is too short to be serious all the time unless you’re a tree, they’re pretty good at it.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.

Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to, unless there’s free food.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d still prefer chocolate.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

The four most beautiful words in our common language I told you so.

To be old and wise, you must first have to be young and stupid.

Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?

I’m writing a book on gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

If you’re too open-minded your brains will fall out.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

War does not determine who is right only who is left.

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Hospitality making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

They say ‘don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my phone while I’m holding it.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

Laughter is the quickest distance between two people.

Age is a high price for maturity.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it.

Silence is golden unless you have kids.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

A clean house is a sign of no internet.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

Wine is the answer. What was the question?

I’m not arguing, I’m explaining why I’m right.

Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

Love is blind but the neighbors aren’t.

Reality called, so I hung up.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

Diets are hard because I get hungry.

Life is shorteat the dessert first.

My bed is a magical place where time travels.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

Relationship status table for one but drinks for two.

Not all who wander are lost, but I probably am.

Coffee is a liquid hug for your brain.

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Chocolate doesn’t ask questions, chocolate understands.

I’m not late, I’m fashionably delayed.

I need a cup of get stuff done.

Money talks…but all mine ever says is goodbye.

Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Life is a one-time offer, use it well.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

I’m not weird, I’m just more creative than you.

I’m not stubborn, my way is just better.

I whisper ‘what the heck’ to myself at least 20 times a day.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

Running late is my cardio.

I’m not strange, I’m a limited edition.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

Humor is one of the best ingredients of survival.

You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn’t. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humour is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them.

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.