Age is just a number, but in my case, it’s a number that makes no sense to my aching back.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you…’

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right and you’re wrong.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Why is it called ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll?

Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf, and I don’t speak English.

My wallet is like an onion opening it makes me cry.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I said ‘no’ to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

My mind is like my internet browser. 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

There’s no ‘we’ in fries.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

To err is human to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.

If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

They say don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

Cleaning up is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed.

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you why you’re wrong.

I’m not lazy, I’m energy efficient.

Life’s short, don’t be a slow walker.

I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Age is a high price for maturity.

I’m not arguing, I’m explaining why I’m right.

Reality called, so I hung up.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat it.

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

With great power comes great electricity bill.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

The early bird is too early.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

Chocolate understands me.

Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Why is Monday so far from Friday?

I’m not late, I’m just early for tomorrow.

Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment.

Sarcasm, because beating people up is illegal.

Not all who wander are lost, some are just avoiding people.

I speak fluent sarcasm.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.

Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode.

Love is like a fart. If you force it, it’s probably crap.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

My dog is smarter than your honor student.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory.

I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds.

I childproofed the house but they still get in.

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m not wrong.

When nothing goes right, go left.

You can’t scare me I have kids.

I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen.

Life’s too short to remove USB safely.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.

If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.

My life needs editing.

You’re only as good as your last haircut.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.