I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me ads for beach vacations.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you!

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m exhausted from being so freakin’ awesome yesterday.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer!

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer!

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

You can’t fix stupid.

Bad decisions make good stories.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!

Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.

I’m on a gin and chronic diet.

My bed is a magical place where I remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not great at advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I don’t have ex’s; I have Y’s. Like, ‘Y the hell did I date you?’

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Running late is my cardio.

My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

I need six months of vacation, twice a year.

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.

If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe you just suck.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything!

You can’t make everybody happy, you are not a jar of Nutella.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.

The only thing I’m committed to right now is bettering myself.