Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
I rant, therefore I am.
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
