The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Let’s have some new cliches.
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
I like children – fried.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.
A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.
If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.
A word to the wise is infuriating.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
