I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
I saw a stationery store move.
Communism is like one big phone company.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Never floss with a stranger.
I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
I’m for whatever gets you through the night.
