I felt like people who had a lost mindset or who occasionally did stupid things were having a ‘donkey’ moment, or some of them are permanent donkeys, so I just started calling them donkeys. So when I went to Philly to do my own morning show, that’s when I first started doing ‘Donkey of the Day.’
I write in the mornings. I get up every morning at about six in the morning and write until nine, hop in the shower and go to work. Nighttime I usually reserve for re-reading what I’ve done that morning. I would be lying if I said I stuck to that schedule every single day.
On the morning of September 11th, I was literally about 18 blocks from the World Trade Center. I witnessed in person what a lot of people witnessed in person, but what the world really saw on the television screen, I saw it with my own eyes that morning.
In late 2004, I left my much-maligned home state of New Jersey for the supposedly greener pastures of Astoria, Queens. I’d finally be in the mix, living off the subway line, able to go from audition to audition during the day and from late night show to late night show in the wee hours of the morning.
Mums and dads, if you’ve bought something that needs putting together, do it before Christmas. When the kids have gone to bed, do a little bit every night. Then on Christmas morning, they can actually play, rather than standing over your shoulder, saying: ‘Is it done yet?’
The Weezer ‘Blue’ Album is a classic. I think My Morning Jacket’s ‘Circuital’ is a great album to have. Any Led Zeppelin album. Pink Floyd ‘The Dark Side Of The Moon’ or ‘Animals.’ I always catch myself at concerts being like, ‘Oh, I just stared at the drummer for 15 straight minutes.’ I study them.
One night I couldn’t sleep at three in the morning and I thought, I’m going to color-coordinate my closet. And I did. There’s a whole system. It goes from white to black and then all the colors in the middle. Then it goes by tank tops to T-shirts to long sleeves, and then it goes to the next color. Then it goes to sweaters the same way.
To play a cop’s wife – there’s so much in that world, the wives or partners of anyone who is a first responder – it’s not an easy job. It’s not an easy way to live, to say goodbye to someone in the morning and not know what’s going to happen throughout the day.
I have a healthy relationship with food. My problem is, as a comic, I eat dinner late. But I’ll have a smoothie for breakfast every morning, and I keep it pretty low-carb and healthy during the day. At night, I’ll have a basic protein, quinoa, and vegetables.
It was brilliant in LA. The kids were young enough for it not to disturb their education and it was an incredibly healthy lifestyle. The weather’s so good that you’re up every morning, walking in the canyons, playing tennis three times a week.
I had the closest thing I have ever had to an out-of-body experience lying in bed one morning. I turned on the ‘Today’ programme and item four on the news was: ‘The shadow chancellor has ruled himself out of the leadership.’ I lay there thinking that’s interesting, then I realised it was me.
I came to the University of Chicago on the morning of January 2, 1932. I wasn’t yet a graduate of high school for another few months. And that was about the low point of the Herbert Hoover/Andrew Mellon phase after October of 1929. That’s quite a number of years to have inaction.
I had three children while doing a show, as demanding as ‘Good Morning America,’ so this is – you know, it’s almost like I’m less daunted about motherhood, and parenting at this point in time. And I think I’m just much more fit and healthy than I was 20-years-ago.
Some people keep God in a Sunday morning box and say, ‘Hey, I did my religious duty.’ That’s fine, but the scripture says to pray without ceasing. And I think that means all through the day you’re talking to God. Even if it’s in your thoughts.
Basically, I start my morning off with a Bustelo coffee made in a mocha pot – the Bialetti. I warm some milk on the side, on my stove, and I add one teaspoon or half a teaspoon of real sugar. I have two of these every morning. Even when I was pregnant.
My perfect day is to work incredibly well in the morning and write something wonderful, then take the dog for a walk and go for a swim in the ladies’ ponds on Hampstead Heath or work in my allotment. Then I get tarted up in the evening and go out in London to dinner or the cinema.
If you want to devote yourself to the arts, you’d better do it strictly from passion, because there is zero guarantee that you’ll get anywhere. The hardest thing is dealing with business people who have nothing to do with your art. They could care less that you’re up at 4:30 in the morning writing a joke. Don’t expect any sympathy from anybody.
In high school, I had a gold 1992 Ford Explorer. It was a gift. I used to have a terrible habit of locking the keys in the car when I used leave the car running to help it start on a cold morning. I think the local locksmith became used to me calling him.
Money is a good thing, but every morning you have to get up with something no one else in the world gets up with – that’s that image. That face you see in the mirror, you got to love it, and you better do some things that you feel good about inside of you. Of course, money is going to come, but make certain that you do some good with it.
And if small businesspeople say they made it on their own, all they are saying is that nobody else worked seven days a week in their place. Nobody showed up in their place to open the door at five in the morning. Nobody did their thinking, and worrying, and sweating for them.
It’s fairness to say those who work hard, get up in the morning, cut their cloth – in other words ‘we can only afford to have one or two children because we don’t earn enough’. They pay their taxes and they want to know that the same kind of decision-making is taking place for those on benefits.
My wife has now made a point of, after losses, to bring our son into the bed when he wakes up in the morning. So when I’m waking up and I’m still obsessing over whatever happened the night before, I see this little guy right in front of me smiling and wanting to connect with me. It’s totally changed how I compartmentalize.
I like to be with my children – not just quality time, but quantity time. I like to be there in the morning when they’re waking up. I like to practice piano with them. I like to be there at supper. I need them as much as they need me. Working is not as important to me as being a mother is.
It was weird – writing is a stupid thing to do. I come up here in the morning to a pleasant room in the roof of my house and imagine I’m a black South American football superstar; then I have to imagine I’m a female pop celebrity who’s pregnant. It’s a completely mad way to spend your time.
The crew are the faces you see every morning and last at night before you go home. I spend more time with those people than I do with my friends and family, so they’re forever a part of you and who you become as an actor so I hope I see them again.
