Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor’s rottweiler just the same.
Honest friends is kinda nice, but it’s hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.
Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.
In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses.
He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy.
Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.
Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain’t nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.
Excuses are like butt holes everyone has ’em and they all stink.
Matrimony and firefighting. They ain’t for cowards.
What if there’s no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?
You don’t know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.
You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.
A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don’t look so good.
Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.
The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.
If men were necessary in the procreation process, they’d have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.
I’d love to go out with you, but I’d hate to deprive some village of its idiot.
If at 1st you don’t succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y’ still won’t succeed, but you sure as hell won’t give a shift.
Sometimes it’s nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.
All’s well so long-as you don’t get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.
I’m just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.
When men age they’re called sophisticated. When women age they ain’t called at all.
If you don’t scare the neighbors while copulating, I’m afraid you’re doing something terribly wrong.
Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin’ the bird’ s a hell of a lot easier.
Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.
Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.
I’ve been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.
A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there’s nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.
You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.
Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.
Life’s funny. Sometimes it’s your oyster, and sometimes you’re it’s bitch-slapped man-whore.
Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy’s wife buck naked.
There aren’t many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it’s a woman with really big knockers.
Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.
It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.
Men have two outstanding features–their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.
There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.
Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.
A pigs and pain, until you really get to know ’em. Then he’s a paid with the soul.
Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.
Booze and boys, ain’t nothing in the universe that’ll make a girl stupid faster.
Maybe knowledge is power, but it’s damned hard to think a burglar to death.
Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of ’em has a big-ass head full of air.
I’d trade every last one of you for a moment’s peace and a dog that didn’t P on the carpet
If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn’t a made it so damn tempting.
It’s not as if I don’t like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.
In my experience, “what the hell” is generally the most interesting decision.
There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.
Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.
Friends are nice. You can tell’ ’em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that’s all right, too.
Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation’ll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.
Maybe in fairytales you’re only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you’re every second as old as your pores.
And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.
There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.
You really don’t know a person until you spend some time in their panties.
Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn’t look that great, either.
He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn’t give a shit if she’s fond of you are not
In 50 years it won’t matter if he’s handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don’t make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.
In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.
In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.
There isn’t much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it’s low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute.
Dating is like nightfall–there’s got to be a mourning after.
Don’t worry. It’s scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.
Dating–the socially accepted alternative to the rack.
In my opinion, kissing a lady’s hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.
I don’t need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.
Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that’s close enough for me.
He’s an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.
Jealousy. It’s a terrible thing. Unless it’s someone else’s.
It’d hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn’t smack him in the head every once in a while.
Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.
Today’s problems are yesterday’s mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.
Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.
Just when you think you have life by the tail, it’s likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.
There is no greater hell than realizing you’re in love with the guy you hate.
You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.
Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there’s a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.
The theory of relativity doesn’t amount to a hill of beans when there’s a bonfire in your shorts.
Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick ’em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.
Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain’t nothin’ but snails with their noses stuck in the air.
Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what’s under their skin anyway?
Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn’t generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.
Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.
Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.
Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball’s pretty much in his court.
You’re just so lucky blood’s so hard to get out of the carpet.
You’re gonna sit down. You’re gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain’t gonna kill you.
Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain’t there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.
When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, “because they’rea lot more likely to answer if they’re not dead.
Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen
Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain’t that easy, either.
They say love makes the world go around… I been dizzy for a long time.
Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don’t never ask if the baby’s really his.
I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.