Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn.
I slump in my chair, thinking how a narcotic party of one is no party at all.
Aw, you’re nothing but heart, Mako. Nice valentine in your skull, by the way. Is that temporary or did the Tanaka-kai change their daimon to attract the Powerpuff Girls crowd?
If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I’m going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes.
Souris says you wanted to see me, so here I am. Talk quick before I decide to beat the shit out of you and throw your bloody carcass back across the International Date Line.
Faye, if you got eaten by another shark, would you please at least have the decency to say so? My time is kind of limited, if you know what I’m sayin’.
Turns out making a dramatic exit is a lot harder when you have to stand there and wait another twenty minutes for a boat to dock.
Enjoy your little run because there’s no way you get off this boat without her trying to slice your Achilles in half.
And just so you know—that winter forest we walked into first? That was from Through the Looking Glass too. Hey, if you’re going to saddle me with the blame for your overconsumption, at least get the book right.
Right, ‘the Queen of Hearts.’ Sounds to me like you’re just one bitch in a whole pack of cards, baby.
The words ‘drink me’ come to mind. Anyone besides me up for some heavy alcohol consumption?
Oh, Alice, you haven’t even had a taste of my romantic streak yet. And when the time’s right I don’t think I’ll have to ‘try’ to have my way with you. I just WILL.
Have you thrown ‘Why is a raven like a writing desk?’ at her yet?
For someone named Alice, you’re really not all that up on your Wonderland trivia.
Just keep it simple, Alice Faye. Remember how you taught yourself. Nothing’s different just because you’re on a yacht, or wearing a fancy dress. Or because you appear to have dropped acid and are now in the mirror room at the fun house.
You know what they say, Queenie: ALWAYS bet like you have a pair.
Pretty great view. You think they’d do something about the sharks.
Turns out rolling your eyes in a bar when ‘Land Down Under’ plays is like someone belching during the Star Spangled Banner in America.
Oh, yeah, that goatee is really unattractive. That definitely belongs on a much fatter man.
Are you saying that you need an attorney? For what? As far as I know, being a dick isn’t against the law in any country.
I don’t need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I’m there, and I’ll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we’ll just act like we do every day.
Are you referring to the day you instructed me to ‘follow the white rabbit,’ plied me with absinthe and brownies, and tried to have your way with me? Didn’t take long for you to lose your romantic streak, did it?
Didn’t you read the invitation? There’s going to be a game in a little while–the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread.
Oh, and Mr. Montgomery? I think I counted about four dozen important-sounding words and almost no substance at all in that explanation. I don’t think you should close the door on your diplomatic career entirely.
Don’t worry, little bunny, we only use our triplet telepathic powers for good.
Uh-oh, I hope he doesn’t start rattling off dirty limericks next; she’ll probably burn the hotel down.
Alice, I am the game, and trust me: you don’t want to play me.
Would you like to hear about the fascinating things lizards can do if you chew off their tails?
Remember that rabbit-proof fencing you told me about? You get that at a hardware store or is it special order?
So…while we’re sitting here on this luxury yacht enjoying our bread and water, why doesn’t someone tell me the plan?
I made sure to brush my teeth as soon as I was able. I even asked for a hair tie to pull my long, blood-red hair into a twist at the nape of my neck so I wouldn’t have that ‘freshly hospitalized’ look.
Well, Faye, dear, I’m sure Harlow’s sorry she didn’t think to ask if you’d been eaten by a shark. That’s totally on her.
I think I can say with confidence that it’s a lot funnier if you haven’t actually been attacked by a shark.
Are we turning back? Because if you’re just trying to solve my post-traumatic stress problem by exposing me to rock sharks until I’m desensitized, trust me—that ship has sailed.
That’s exactly where they send entry-level diplomats. After you cut your teeth on a few civil wars and a famine or two, you might get lucky and be given a plum post somewhere in the SECOND World.
You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, ‘Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should be fun.
I think it should be obvious by now that I’m not necessarily interested in reality.
Don’t be such a dumbass, Gabe. Koalas don’t travel in herds. They move in heaps. Much like emus move in ripples, and kangaroos travel in photo-ops.
I don’t think I heard the same ending you did. Maybe you should tell it again.
I am commanding you, as an older and wiser brother, to get over here, get on this caterpillar, and ride to the top of this mushroom with me.
You’re in the country of the kangaroo and the duck-billed platypus, and you’re asking ‘why is it a mushroom? Because it just IS.
I’m not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone.
Well then, I guess I’m man enough to admit that I’m trying to get in touch with my inner bitch.
You keep right on building that fence, Faye. See what good it does you.
I hear they’re all infected with chlamydia, which just goes to show that you really can’t tell who’s got the clam. I mean, look at a picture of a koala…tell me you’re not shocked.
In any other fabric of space-time, my brother would have picked up Dee’s venereal disease-infested koala punt and run it straight down the line of vulgarity, all the way to the touchdown of tastelessness.
Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny—like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy.
This is from the queen? And you say it’s for a mouse? I’m sorry, sir, but the Pyramid Hotel doesn’t allow any pets except for service animals.
Did you forget a dentist appointment or something, big guy? Where the hell did you hop off to?
Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that ‘Alice Faye picked a peck of pepper for the poor, piping pig in the purple poke.’ Wait—is that not what we’re talking about here?
What if it’s a shy fish? Is that a ‘coy koi?’ What? Don’t hate me because I’m asking the important questions.
He’s a guy. We’re easy and stupid. Just go bat your eyes at him and beg for forgiveness. It’ll take five minutes…three if you wear something low-cut.
Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel when I’m around you: confused, but still satisfied.’ I freeze, trying to figure out how to cancel it out and replace it with something that sounds a whole lot less like sex and a candy bar ad.
I believe the phrase you’re looking for is ‘too much money and not enough things to spend it on.
Hey, any idea why Australians speak something that sounds deceptively like English but isn’t? I mean, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t seem to converse with another human being who speaks the same language as I do.
Do you ever answer anything in a way that people expect you to?
I believe it went like this—and stop me if I’m wrong, Mousey: ‘Listen, we may not be our own continent and everything, but we have a big country over in America too.
Alice? You didn’t get this far without realizing that you don’t have to cheat to win. You just have to accept that people are easily manipulated.
No thanks…Dodo, was it? I don’t know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days.
I’ll get you and your little dog too?’ You say your girl can’t pay me back? Believe me when I say that that little gift’s just gonna keep right on giving.
Alice, it took big, dumb Talon Dodo thirty seconds to get you so pissed about a poker hand pun that you were about to beat him to death with your cane.
The car doesn’t so much drive as float above the road, like we’re making our way to Sydney in a hovercraft.
When some smart ass asks you if you’re driving, you say, ‘Nope, just kicking the tires.’ You have to make sure you actually kick them all on your way around to the passenger side. Otherwise it’s like lying.
If one more person tells me how big this country is, I’m going to go kick a koala.
How was I supposed to know ‘lucked out’ means ‘I got screwed over’ in Australian?
Yeah, well, when they say ‘You know it’s a long way, don’t you?’ what they really mean is: ‘You know it’d be faster if you just rode a kangaroo, don’t you?
Congratulations, Mousey, you’ve managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers.
I don’t know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I’m never going to say to any human being, ever: ‘I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I’ve had kicker trouble with that hand often enough to fold it.
Seriously, what is the purpose? Maybe I’d feel better about walking around speaking fluent jive if I knew there was a reason for it.
I like it because when people use a lot of poker lingo, it usually means they’ve been playing the game for a while. Which is why I immediately avoid those people.
So ‘fatal’ only kills you two out of three times these days? That’s good to know.
Australians are descended from a boatload of English convicts, right? So two hundred years in isolation at the bottom of the planet is plenty of time for the language to evolve into some sort of double-speak prison slang.
I’m good at being vague and unpredictable. It’s sort of a hard habit to break.
Oh, I have plenty of problems with Rabbit, it’s just that my comfort level with his name is standing in line behind about a hundred more important things.
I don’t think Australians ever use a couple of words when twenty will do just fine.
How do you tactfully spin the term “man-whore” to someone’s sister?
Now see, if it were me, I wouldn’t have led with that. I would’ve gone with something like ‘G’day’ or ‘Wow, aren’t you a little hottie?
Did you think your boyfriend was going to stick around and watch you do THAT? If we weren’t related, I would’ve left too. Actually…is it already too late for me to leave?
That’s the thing you girls never get. It doesn’t matter if you just woke up, or just got done bawling, or just finished your make-up. When a guy’s all love-sick over a chick, she looks exactly the same to him all the time: perfect.
Don’t make me Alice-nap you, Alice. Because you know I can carry you.
I use the word “man” loosely. A better description would be “the most beautiful specimen of Homo sapiens sapiens with a set of XY chromosomes to grace the planet Earth at this moment, or any other era, epoch, or age in history.
Do you really think I’d let him call my sister a ‘bitch?’ Or you for that matter? Talon Hawk’s dumb, but he’s smarter than that…he’d be crawling around on his hands and knees picking his teeth off the tiles.
I’m almost afraid to tell you. Let’s put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country.
I’ve found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind.
Because trying to think of how to ask a woman you’ve known for exactly two days if she’d be willing to get into a car with you and take a road trip across the country was something I hadn’t quite worked up to yet.
You can pay for whatever you want, but I just want to warn you that I prefer to stay at places that don’t start or end with the word ‘motel.
Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal—all those places perfect for dying of exposure.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but Australians have a LOT of bitches on their cashola.
I try not to laugh too loud, afraid a bark-like noise will be mistaken by any great whites lurking in the area as the distress call of a juvenile seal.
Locals. They’ll eventually get out. They’re annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it’s closed. ‘Cause some kid pooped in the water.
I grimace, thinking someone should come up with a new phrase for ‘I left the ocean without a kiwi-sized chunk of my lower-left butt cheek’ to replace the rather nebulous term ‘exploratory bite.