If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating.
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
We don’t shoot somebody soon, I’m gonna forget how
Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?”This translates roughly to: “How the hell did these people win the Cold War?
If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.
In the words of a very famous dead person, ‘A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
…light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.
There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”.
But if I hadn’t shoved you off the boat back there,you’d be lost at sea now,wouldn’t you? We’d all be lost! So thanks to me you’re all standing on land.”(Pirates, its a good thing they’re idiots)
I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I’ve ever known.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism.
What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, ‘My GOSH, you’re RIGHT! I NEVER would’ve thought of that!
You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you’re the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
Oh, I’m not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example.
Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.
You’re only young once but you can always be immature.
Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
He couldn’t get into Harvard even if he had the dean’s wife at gunpoint.
Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations – if you get my drift.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift.
We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.
Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Guys are simple… women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.