When it comes to relationships, I find it best to have two feet out the door
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….
The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard
It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing
Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs
If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane
Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable
In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?
Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
Anyone can spin a victory, it’s a total loss that demands creativity
Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack
If life is a bowl of cherries, what’s inside of it?
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway
It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light
Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over
Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what
If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control
Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them
The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff
Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert
I hate pulling out… I mean, I’m really bad at the whole parking thing….
If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth
Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette
Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle
If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of
I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials….I would love to’ pay no interest for 6 months
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce….?
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting… but I’m still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet
I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear
It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs
When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow
Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner
I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first
Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for
Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are
It’s not that I’m ahead of my time, it’s more that the world is running late
I’ve always been a poor sport and a sore loser…any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame