My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Things will get easier, people’s minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside – to have a big hear and an open mind and a spectacular spleen.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.
Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.
True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.
I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That’s really why I do what I do.
You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
It’s failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
It’s funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
…if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.
Don’t hold onto things, it will only bring you pain.
We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter.
When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn’t try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, “You may regret this,” would have been fine.
There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where’s the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?
It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.
Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
Dan: ‘Ah, well, I hope this didn’t have anything to do with me.’Ellen: ‘No, not unless you played Cat Woman in Batman.
…we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring.
Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.
I’m a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you’re supposed to feel all kinds of things.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
I wanted to have money I wanted to be special I wanted people to like me I wanted to be famous.
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.
A lot of money with the wrong career is not going to make you happy. If you have money without happiness, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s all about happiness.
I have an amazing team; I have amazing producers; I have amazing writers, but at the end of it, it’s me making the decisions on the writing, the tone, the editing.
I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.
I’m grateful for everything. I’m grateful for my health, and I’m so grateful for the love in my life.
The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime’s Funniest Person in America. And that’s a really tough title to travel around with when you’re not even known.
Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.
Designing is my hobby. If I didn’t do what I do for a living – at some point when I don’t do this for a living – I’ll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture.
I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don’t care if it’s called marriage. I don’t care if it’s called, you know, domestic partnership. I don’t care what it’s called.
I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I was raised in an atmosphere of ‘everything’s fine.’ But as I got older, I was like, ‘Well no, everything’s not fine. There is stuff that’s sad.’ I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.
I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness – and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I’m a human trying to make it through in this world.
I have sadness in me. I have anger in me. I have heartbreak in me.
I think everybody should have the same anger towards the injustice that’s happening and the hatred that’s happening, and just fight it with love and compassion.