A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.
And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl…there’s a little voice that say, ‘I wonder where he would go…’…if it hadn’t been for his head…
Parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her.Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.
It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.
That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
I’m not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it, I don’t know when I lost it, I don’t really think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job…and I don’t want it!
Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.
I’ve noticed the customers in health food stores. They are pale skinny people who usually look half dead. In a steak house you see robust ruddy people. They’re dying of course but they look terrific.
Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow children to come back home.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
There’s no labor a man can do that’s undignified if he does it right.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It’s taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.
Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn’t understand his use of profanity. He didn’t use it just to be using it; he used it in the context of his satire.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn’t because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
With my wife Camille’s help, I took to social networking. I’m working with the computers.
When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn’t even have a Christmas tree.
I think ‘I Spy,’ still when you look at it, speaks volumes in terms of propaganda for equality. It’s just magnificent.
The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.
Learning to read clusters is not something your eyes do naturally. It takes constant practice.
Tons of comedians have said, ‘I grew up learning from Bill Cosby. He’s great.’ But that respect doesn’t mean much to the young people. They like their ginger ale with hot sauce.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
I never saw anything funny in a car commercial – but that’s OK. Whatever they wanted to do – it’s their product and I’m the spokesperson, and I’m going to deliver.
Every success story has a parent who says, ‘over my dead body.’ Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you’re acting the fool, ‘you know I worry about you sometimes.’
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.