I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.
A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.
Just because we’re fictional characters doesn’t mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.–the people of Lake Woebegon
When you wage war on the public schools, you’re attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You’re not a conservative, you’re a vandal.
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about.
Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.
Don’t worry about the past and don’t try to figure out the future
The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.
What would people think?’Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That’s why you have to look at the heart.’Oh,’ said Grandpa.
That’s the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.
My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.
It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.
A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.
Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn’t funny. It’s a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it’s not a surprise anymore.
Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won’t feel so thankful then.
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
I’m not busy… a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn’t think my schedule looked so busy.
I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine.
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.