There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.
I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.
After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.
I can’t,” I said. “I threw my back out masturbating.
Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.
If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would’ve told him I was into cannibalism.
I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking.
My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I’ve always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.
The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn’t get mad at a golden retriever.
I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you’re pregnant…if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks…
Anyone who’s married to Mariah Carey – I’m pretty sure – doesn’t have a great sense of humor. I mean, let’s be honest: she’s ridiculous. What is her game plan?
E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don’t know what they’re doing; they have no ideas… everything they do just is a failure.
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there’s a problem. That’s what my sister always said: ‘Don’t worry, you’ll peak later.’
I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn’t born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that’s how my breakups tend to play out.
I do think about marriage, but it’s not the end-all goal.
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
That’s my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I’m like, ‘Being friends with you is a burden. You think it’s hard to be friends with me?’