I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable that’s survival.
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.