Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
Money’s scarceTimes are hardHere’s your fuckingXmas card
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.