If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

My wallet is like an onion; when I open it, it makes me cry.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

War does not determine who’s right – only who’s left.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

I told my computer I needed a break, and it gave me a blue screen.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

Why do they call it a rush hour when nothing moves?

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I’m not lazy; I’m on energy-saving mode.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

My room wasn’t dirty, I just had everything on display.

If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb up your ego and jump to your IQ.

Today’s forecast: lazy with a 90% chance of Netflix.

If you’re cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ never tried to slam a revolving door.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they’re flashing behind you.

If you’re waiting for a sign, here it is.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down!

My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

I have a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

You’re not fat, just easier to see.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

I’m so bright, my mother calls me ‘son’.

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.

I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.

My decision-making skills resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the street.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

I was going to make myself a belt made of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I don’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.

When nothing goes right, go left.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don’t expect to get it back.

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

Don’t follow your dreams. Chase them.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say ‘7 Up is Lemonade’.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me error messages.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!

I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever.

A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.

If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

If at first you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving.

I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.

When in doubt, mumble.

Never trust stairs, they’re always up to something.

Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!

I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.

I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you’.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I called her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

I was going to make myself a belt made of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.

I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.