It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin’ ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that’s for chumps. And losers, by the way.
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.’ Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn’t mark up my face. He’s so thoughtful!
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.
Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
You can take and nail two sticks together like they’ve never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.