It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me arefurious!
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.
Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, ‘E6.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.
I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.
I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.