I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Hobbes: Do you think there’s a God?Calvin: Well, somebody’s out to get me!
If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.
CALVIN:When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I’ll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.
In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?
HOBBES:If you don’t get a goodnight kiss you get Kafka dreams.
Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.
Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.
In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said ‘I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?
I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?
That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
The world isn’t fair, Calvin.””I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?
I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
From now on, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success…. I’m just here to cash in.
Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.
The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that’s even worse
I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I’d say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
I’m a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.
I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.-Calvin
Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a ‘possum stuck in your collar?
But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!
Calvin:”It says here that ‘religion is the opiate of the masses.’…what do you suppose that means?”Television: “…it means that Karl Marx hadn’t seen anything yet
That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.
CALVIN:Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!!
I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.
At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you’ll have to find your inner motivation to seek for new ideas on your own.
There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. – Calvin
That’s the whole problem with science. You’ve got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
Rainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.
Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?
How come we play war and not peace?””Too few role models.
I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long.
If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?
They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.””Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.””We need more special effects and dance numbers.
You know, maybe we don’t need enemies.””Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take.
Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes
Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
Cigars are all the rage, dad. You should smoke cigars!” – Calvin”Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting.” – Calvin’s mom
Hold it. You know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, OK?
On gray days, when it’s snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you’ll just read a good book all day, and he’d allow you to stay home.
I don’t think I’d have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.’ ‘That’s why animals are so soft and huggy.
As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
Calvin : There’s no problem so awful, that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse.
There are few things less comforting than a tiger who’s been up too late.
I’m a misunderstood genius.””What’s misunderstood?””Nobody thinks I’m a genius.
You can make your superhero a psychopath, you can draw gut-splattering violence, and you can call it a “graphic novel,” but comic books are still incredibly stupid.
What fun is it being cool if you can’t wear a sombrero?
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help.
I have all these great genes, but they’re recessive. That’s the problem here.
Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.
If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
I won’t eat any cereal that doesn’t turn the milk purple.
Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.
If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating the mind is like a car battery – it recharges by running.
The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.