When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren’t two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy’s permission, blessings, and money to survive.
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.
Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.
There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.
We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.
When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say “I used everything you gave me.”
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for go live with a car battery.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Family life got better and we got our car back – as soon as we put “I love Mom” on the license plate.
I read one psychologist’s theory that said “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
Never lend your car to someone you’ve given birth to.
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.
I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
But some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love why some days it’s so quiet you don’t even know it’s there.
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
My mother phones daily to ask “Did you just try to reach me?” When I reply no she adds “So if you’re not too busy call me while I’m still alive ” . . . and hangs up.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.
I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.