Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that’s so insulting. That’s like saying I’m not smart enough to shoot you in the head.” Eddie DeChooch
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to compromise.
I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.
I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. –Stephanie Plum
Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.
I don’t need handcuffs to enslave a woman.” -Ranger to Stephanie
Ranger locked eyes with me. “Please,” he said.Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren’t used to “please.” I wasn’t used to it either. But I liked it. Okay,” I said. “Be careful. He’s insane.
If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.
I’d spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.
Excuse me?” I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. “Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.” “I don’t eat the kind of pie they serve here.” I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.
My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.””She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn’t enough action.”-Ranger and Stephanie
Your on your on with this one babe.””Coward.””Calling me names isn’t going to get me in there.”-Ranger and Stephanie
Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?
Fuck,” Ranger said.Ranger didn’t often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..
Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.
In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I’ve never been a slave to good judgment.
Now that we know you’re not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,” I said to Ziggy.”I’ll try,” Ziggy said, “but it’s a hard habit to break.
…Don’t you just hate a phony-looking stiff?” – Aunt Edna
I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?
I like the way you’ve let your hair go curly,” he finally said. “Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,”Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum
Here’s a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don’t get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it’s never going to replace cake.
Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It’s just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.
Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything.-Lula
Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don’t go all hormonal. Get the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut.
Money isn’t everything.’‘The only people who say that are people who have enough money to pay the rent.
If she wasn’t your grandmother I’d shoot her.”Ranger
You never want to look in a mirror,” Lula said. “Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym.
They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunterand the hunted. And it wasn’t especially awkward. They were comfortable together,despite the fact that she’d hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work.
Personally, I’m a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don’t have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It’s magic. End of discussion.
I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said.Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman,” Lula said. “So I guess this works out good.
You gonna take the case?”It’s not a case. It’s a missing person. Sort of.”You’re gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens,” Grandma said.
I don’t believe this,” Diesel said. “It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian…now have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash.
When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: “She’s doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank.
Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie’s hot temper is less than normal, says: “Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.
Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.
Diesel sucked air. “You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.””I’m not fondling you. I’m looking for the keys!””Could you look a little more gently? You’re scaring my boys.
You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.
That’s how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they’re looking’ to find poloponies.
I’ve noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time.” – Stephanie”I’m multi-lingual,” Rancher said.I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language.
Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. –Stephanie Plum
Stephanie, I’m begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can’t keep going like this.” – Morelli
It’s not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It’s disrespectful.
You’re a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious.”-
There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It’s been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.
He squinted at me. “What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?
The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma’s crotch, and snuffled.Dang,” Grandma said. “Guess my new perfume really works. I’m gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.
Aren’t you something,” Grandma said. “I never saw a midget up close.” “Little person,” Briggs said. “And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.
If I let her in I’m doomed. It’s like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you’ve invite them in, that’s it, you’re good as dead!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Almost everybody I know has died,” Grandma said. “Bunch of wimps.
I wasn’t a fabulous cook. I didn’t have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn’t a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot.
I wasn’t sure anymore what made a good marriage. There had to be love, of course, but there were so many different kinds of love. And clearly, some love was more enduring than others.
When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don’t need ironing.
Cripes, I can’t keep up on this political correct shit. I don’t even know what to call myself. One minute I’m black. Then I’m African American. Then I’m a person of color. Who the hell makes these rules up, anyhow?
Cooking wasn’t so bad, I thought. In fact, it was a lot like sex. Sometimes it didn’t seem like such a good idea in the beginning, but then after you got into it …
In my father’s scheme of things, there were Italians and then there was the rest of the world.
Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.
On the bright side, I’m sure this isn’t the last time you’ll ever get firebombed, so maybe you’ll have better luck next time.
He blew himself up.”“Get out! You mean like guts all over the place?”“Not all over the place,” I said. “He was pretty well contained, all things considered.
I could help you,” I said. “Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.
I don’t get writer’s block because I don’t believe in it. I believe you sit in front of the computer and force your fingers to get something on the screen.
Lots of times I’m not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward.
Respect and love your readers. Write for the reader.
He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob.
I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I’d like to say I haven’t run over anyone since.
Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there’s a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin’ Fifteen
I can’t help it. I’m just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. “Excuse me,” she said.
Sure, he was attracted to her, but women always had to go beyond that.Women [had] nesting fantasies. It wasn’t long before they wereredecorating your apartment and criticizing your choice of mustard.
So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?””Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I’m afraid the owner will try to get it back.