Reality may not be what you want it to be, but it is the reality you now must face. You can deny this reality and try to wish it away, or you can accept it and not waste any energy on wanting it to be different.
Making amends is not only saying the words but also being willing to listen to how your behavior caused another’s pain, and then the really hard part…changing behavior.
Shame is a powerful feeling. There is a tremendous difference between making a mistake and believing you are a mistake…If I don’t see myself as being a mistake then it is I who must take responsibility and I am not ready to accept that.
Mature adults gravitate toward new values and understandings, not just rehashing and blind acceptance of past patterns and previous learning. This is an ongoing process and maturity demands lifelong learners.
The more severe the dysfunction you experienced growing up, the more difficult boundaries are for you.
The greater the pain associated with love, the more likely a person is to be attracted to others who will inflict this pain…for isn’t this what love is? Hurt people tend to hurt other people.
It is one thing to know about your dysfunctional habits but quite another to change them.
If you are looking for love under rocks or bringing home water moccasins, you might be confusing love and pain.
As a parent who raised his children in dysfunction, I know the parental wounds my children received were not intentional; often they were my best expression of love, sometimes coming out sideways, not as I intended.
Sitting on the hot seat of change requires much courage, patience, and persistence.
If we want to improve, first we have to recognize our own maladaptive coping skills, called codependency, then change.
Change will not successfully happen unless the emotional component is solved.
Putting labels on others creates a black hole of disregard where judgment thrives and schisms deepen.
Change is hard, difficult, painful, and often messy
We ardently desire to take down our masks and say to the world, “This is who I am…and I am okay.” This is simple…not easy.
When you journey inwardly exploring yourself, a sense of personal trust begins.
Families living in dysfunction seldom have healthy boundaries. Dysfunctional families have trouble knowing where they stop and others begin.
Boundaries represent awareness, knowing what the limits are and then respecting those limits.
The more dysfunctional, the more some family members seek to control the behavior of others.
Under this aura of perfection he knows how flawed he really is but his intact denial system keeps this awareness suppressed in the far recesses of his mind.
Teenagers can spot hypocrisy a mile away and here I was telling them how to cope when they witnessed the shambles of my own life and how I was living.
Chaos limits the free-flow of love and becomes a roadblock to what family members want most and sadly, it becomes the normal for the family.
When someone obtains peace and serenity, this shines a bright spotlight on others’ own unhappiness making their discomfort even more apparent.
If no one has boundaries…how can there be any transgression?
Swirling in a squirrel cage of perpetual motion, the head-committee meets, argues, votes out the guidance available from emotions, and successfully keeps serenity at bay and chaos close at hand.
Children naturally believe without question and absorb knowledge at an incredible rate; since there is no other frame of reference; they believe their parental reality, true or false.
…the state of perfection is an elusive goal; demanding something so obscure as almost unattainable and can become a compulsive, crazy making squirrel-on-a-wheel way of living.
Other people feel love when we listen without judging and accept them without demanding change. We all desperately require these basic needs. When we can do this for another, we are indeed that person’s angel.
Rigid traditions capture soulsprisons of spiritual thoughtman’s religion has captured a god grown too small and very weak.
When we leave this life, we only get to take two things: the love we received and the lessons we learned.
Life is a learning experience and this is a very peaceful method of accepting the reality you face…”What will I learn?
Black and white thinking limits understanding and feedback, two necessary ingredients for successful resolution in creative conflict and successful understanding.
People who are unwilling to talk about deep personal issues do not trust their own emotions.
The strange part about a person’s lack of trust is that it often comes from not trusting themselves.
Honoring your word is the fiber from which trust is built.
In order for a person to be able to “turn our lives and our wills” over requires something very difficult for a spiritually wounded person to accomplish – Trust. Yet, to accomplish this step, trust of the spirit must be present.
There are two ways of thinking. One is living life based on fear. The other is trusting. Letting go and allowing trust to control our lives takes mental gymnastics.
People build defenses around a weakness, not around strength. Where self-esteem is strong, a defense is unnecessary.
When this low self-worth is hidden, one can understand why the person becomes hypersensitive to the opinions of others and has a great deal of difficulty accepting criticism no matter how warranted or gently said.
When one person attempts to “fix it” for the other person, the connection of acceptance is snapped and the sender and receiver miss an opportunity for understanding.
When I looked at myself through the prism of awareness, great tears came as I connected with how this wounded child felt.
We violated each other’s boundaries with verbal missiles of anger disguised in the pretense of “just kidding.
This is what we desire in intimate relationships but this deep connection is often so frightful that most do not take advantage of the opportunities presented for honesty.
Our parents were our first gods. If parents are loving, nurturing, and kind, this becomes the child’s definition of the creator. If parents were controlling, angry, and manipulative, then this becomes their definition.
People pay a dear price when not dealing with the powerful emotions.
What this world needs now… more balloons and clowns
If one wants to be loved and return it full score dagger of silence closes the door.
For many years, I searched for this connection outside of myself but always to no avail. It was only when I turned inward did I find this power.
I, like you, was not depraved or defected before birth but created to be magnificent, a wonderful and freeing realization – simple but explosive.
We can be safe and live with other defined truths exemplified by a capital “T” or we can change and with our limited time experience truth with a small “t,” seeking our own understanding, which can change with new awareness.
Controlling others is the cornerstone of dysfunctional families.
They sought the pain they knew so well and called it love.
This woman’s size protected herfrom the hurts of the worldbut it also imprisoned her soul. As the merry-go-round revolved, she ate another French fry,as a silent scream frozen on her face.
A spiritual hell I lived in … hating the God of love and knowing the god I served … hated me!
Her screams are heard across generations who dared not scream and died without joy,in silence and isolation.
The more judgmental a person is the sadder they are.
When I learned about the gray existing between the black and white of absolute terms, I began to experience more peace. The more I expanded my gray areas (more than 50 shades), the more peace I experienced in my life.
It was His gentle voice who calledand sent His angel pain to guide me, through the long ‘n dusty corridors, and empty hallways of my soul.
Being able to say, “No,” is a necessary ingredient in a healthy lifestyle.
Children have empty erasable white boards upon which big people write indelibly imprinted messages into their tender subconscious minds.
This imbalance causes resentments within the over-responsible and dependency with the irresponsible person and this dynamic becomes the destructive life-pattern not conducive to happy families.
Acceptance” is the most beautiful word in the English language.
Our minds have a great capacity for deception. This does not mean we are necessarily dishonest but if we are not careful, when our brains do not have answers, our minds will create them.
Like an empty bucket, my soul rings hollow when empty vibrates with emptiness … hollow sound of loneliness. Every cell in my body does not want to be alone.My loneliness is frightening …an all consuming thought.
Only then can I fly.Only then can I be free -when Ilet go of me.
World’s definition of successmaterial validation of selfcold and naked substitutefor inner warmth and beauty.
Twirling round ‘n round -faster and faster …she dreams this circular motionwill take her home, high in the heavens where hurt is onlyan earthly world.
Being judgmental is a form of attack keeping others off balance.
With improved coping skills forged through my midlife crisis, I now listen first and do not control, and I allow these now adult children to come to their own conclusions about what they want for their lives.