I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
People talk to old people like they’re children.’Oh you’re very old aren’t you?’ Yeah I’m old. I’m not stupid.
She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
I’ve got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food’s in the oven. And I’m in the bedroom performin’ self lovin’.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn’t noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
That’s why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? … They are Evil.
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn’t do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
If a man doesn’t know how to dance he doesn’t know how to make love, there I said it!
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men… Nah.
I didn’t say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
I didn’t flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
I’m gonna enjoy being old I think I’ll be awesome at it.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
I don’t think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970’s. That’s when I discovered it anyway.
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
When in doubt about who’s to blame. Blame the English.
If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
From this moment on I’d dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
I freely admit I’m confused. I’m a confused and troubled individual but at the same time…Its Free!
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don’t believe that.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn’t matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I’m like,’Come on, you’ve got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and … go at them.
I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
It’s not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We’re not afraid of failure.
I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’
I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.