I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.
Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep & conformists.
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?
I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.
Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that’s what he is!
Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can’t have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.
Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.
If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it’s not because he’s gifted. It’s because intellectually, you’re a child.
But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.
Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.
The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people.
Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It’s religion, it’s the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It’s the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it’s not close to our home.
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit!
I don’t want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?
But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it’s being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it’s that much more of an insult, that you’re not even worth noticing.
I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.
I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.
If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.
Fascism is when corporations become the government.
We’re a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it’s misdirected.
Brave Americans in past wars didn’t die for the actual flag–they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.
America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.
It’s not that we don’t care–it’s just that that we’d prefer not to get involved.
We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That’s the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won’t ask too much of you, if you don’t ask too much of us.
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I’m in the desert, I’m banging on a drum, I’m naked, and somebody’s pierced my dick.
We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price–but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it for us, or else, we don’t care how.
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he’s supposed to pee, there’s a couch.
It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What’s ridiculous is that other people let him.
Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more o
New Rule: You can’t put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you’re sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?
If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.
Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake–you know, to send the right message to kids.
That’s not water. That’s socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.
You know, if you’re an American and you’re born at this time in history especially, you’re lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.
True patriotism is doing something for your country.
For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it “proactive intelligence screening” or “high alert detecting”, people would be saying “Well, it’s about time”.
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do.
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you’d resign in protest.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who’s your real friend? It’s the person who tells you the truth. That’s who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.