By the way, when Oprah Winfrey is suggesting you may have overextended yourself, you need to examine your fucking life.
Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions … Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.
Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
[T]he definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.
Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.
In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.
Don’t hire anyone you wouldn’t want to run into in the hallway at three in the morning.
Anytime there’s a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren’t funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.
You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn’t even know it because of all the jokes. It’s like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids’ brownies. Suckers!
We spent days and weeks doing nothing, calling one another ten times a day to schedule our nothing-doing.
You have to let people see what you wrote. It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated.
the best of” show was completely gone and we were in big trouble, except we didn’t really care.
Was it too much to expect the rest of the world to care about grammar or pay attention to details?
I have one top-notch baby with whom I am in love. It’s a head-over-heels “first love” kind of thing, because I pay for everything and all we do is hold hands.
Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. It’s scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around.
Someone should do a study of the human brain and how quickly it can adjust to luxury.
Lots of teenage girls have taken comfort under the wings of half-closeted gay boys.
(My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.)
My first job as assistant director was to make sure he didn’t cast the talented blond dancer who had so easily stolen my boyfriend the summer before. I accomplished this with the persistent and skilled manipulation of a grade A bitch.
In improv there are no mistakes, only beautiful happy accidents. And many of the world’s greatest discoveries have been by accident.
This worked out perfectly for me in college, because what nineteen-year-old Virginia boy doesn’t want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that’s permed on top? What’s that you say? None of them want that? You are correct.
Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity
I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, “Nice tits.” Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, “Suck my dick.
So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.
That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in his hat.
And when she [her daughter] one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while you’re holding a pile of fingernail clipping like a Santeria priestess.
You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.
Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.
(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)
5) The Eyes Are the Windows to Where the Soul Is Supposed to Be
You’ve gotta stop calling each sl*ts and wh*r*s. That just makes it more okay for GUYS to call you sl*ts and wh*r*s.
It is a testament to my parents that they never reacted negatively to the four-year-long pride parade that marched through their house.
Because, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me. I was funny and so mean and mature for my age!
I find, the fancier the fashion magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It’s as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can’t stop erasing human features.
A wise friend once told me, ‘Don’t wear what fashion designers tell you to wear. Wear what _they_ wear.’ His point being that most designers, no matter what they throw onto the runway, favor simple, flattering pieces for themselves.
(Don Fey had a large rubber stamp that said “bullshit,” which was and is awesome.)
Your father doesn’t fucking play games. you would never come home with a shamrock tattoo in that house.
Lorne knows that the most exhausting people occasionally turn out the best stuff.
There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.
I have a strong urge to lie down and pretend this is not happening—like the old couple in Titanic.
It’s one thing to be a wisecracking precocious teen hanging out with twenty-seven year olds.It’s another thing to get in the way of a grown man trying to get laid.
As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. “No, we can’t do that.” “No, that’s not in the budget.” “No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.” What kind of way is that to live?
It was a major and deeply embarrassing teenage revelation. It must be how straight teenage boys feel when they realize those boobs they like have heads attached to them.
If you want to be a screenwriter, take an acting class to get a sense of what you’re asking actors to do. Learning other skills will help you communicate with people and respect what they do.
I think you basically have to abandon the dreams of having any other adult activities in your life. You have to go to sleep whenever your child goes to sleep.
When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.
I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’
Most of the time you’re too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, ‘I work at ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and that is so cool.
When I was really young, I loved the movie ‘White Christmas’ – I still do – and I thought Rosemary Clooney was so pretty. When I was, like, nine, I would tell people, ‘You know who I kind of look like? Rosemary Clooney.’
I’m not that good looking… nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen.
I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Mary Tyler Moore was a working woman whose story lines were not always about dating and men. They were about work friendships and relationships, which is what I feel my adult life has mostly been about.