Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.
So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.
If God wanted us to get high, he’d have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.
America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.
Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America–we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.
After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun
Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.
All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ
So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.
it’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
There hasn’t been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.
… had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.
In America, we know to ignore artists if they’re serious in any way.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to VOTE.
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
That’s my parenting style – ‘Go watch the TV.’ I’m one of 11 children, and my mother’s parenting style was, ‘There’s the TV. Go watch it. Mommy’s got 10 other people to take care of.’
In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ‘Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don’t want to ride around in a quitter.
I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.
I wrote things for the school’s newspaper, and – like all teenagers – I dabbled in poetry.