I think the very word stalking implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time’.
Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word “bitch” is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.”Hey there, bitches!” I called as I came through the door. “What are my favorite bitches up to today?
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
You can’t worry about the future so much that you miss out on the present.
Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.
Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?
Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?
Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.
My grandma Ruthie, Jettie’s sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.
You are the night.””I am the night,” I repeated.”You are the night.”I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. “I am the night?””Jane!””Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word?
Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?
Zeb was kindergarten teacher–a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.
Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.
I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I.
Don’t worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.””If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.
Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let’s just say if I’m ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I’m covered.
Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet…Ew, did you…?””Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I’m that brainless.
I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.
Idiot,” I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. “We need to pick new pet names for each other,” he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.
Get the point?” I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. “What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?
She’s your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you’re angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth…Look, there they are.
Besides, my drinking blood’s not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.””I was curious!
I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn’t happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.
What was that?” Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn’t escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.
Some vampires wouldn’t react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn’t recommend testing the theory.
This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!
She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.
because daytime leaves vampires less than, well, conscious, I told him, “Take your muffins to Boston and shut it, Terrance.” And then I hung up on him.
I don’t care what tomorrow brings, as long as I have you.
Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it ‘holiday gumbo’.
Hubert’s wife, Mindy, was a tiny powerhouse of a woman with a halo of wild blond hair and eye makeup so complex it took me a while to locate her pupils. She was clearly the brains of the operation, such as she was.
There was not a lot of room for someone like me, who kept the gossip mill running like a hamster wheel.
Go on, you’ve claimed your thirty pieces of silver, go do something crazy like put gas in that penis replacement you call transportation.
Hi Maggie, it’s nice to see you again,’ he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.
I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day.
He was always ‘checking in’ to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to staple his lip to his tie.
If one is going to spend her afternoon singing hymns to the great porcelain goddess, she might as well do it in a really plush ladies room. Stupid fear of public speaking.
I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people—
It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I’d rather not go into it.
Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingestblood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others forfinancial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt.
…I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril.
Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.
Don’t tell them he’s upstairs , I commanded my brain. Tell them he moved to Pacoima to start a commune for vegetarian vampires. Tell them he’s looking into getting a sex-change operation and renaming himself Lulu Pleshette.
Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours,” I said. “I’m not even going to be able to attend the burial. Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.
Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingest blood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others for financial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt.
I am a disaster magnet. I came home from our first anniversary vacation with jellyfish stings, a puncture wound from a wrought iron pineapple and a cork-shaped bruise in my cleavage.