Speak when you are angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
A censor is an expert in cutting remarks. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
My problem is I say what I’m thinking before I think what I’m saying.
You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.
Before publishers’ blurbs were invented, authors had to make their reputations by writing.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
The problem with temptation is that you may not get another chance.
Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
Facts are stubborn things but statistics are more pliable.
You can always tell a real friend when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.
Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.
Early to bed early to rise work like hell and advertise.
Conscience: That which makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.
Old age is when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
The cave-dweller’s wife complained that he hadn’t dragged her anywhere in months.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure.
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure.
Speak when you are angry – and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.
Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
Going to church doesn’t make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.