I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
You gotta look out for number one, but don’t step in number two!
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years-I didn’t want to interrupt her.
If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
I’m at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.