Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
I don’t understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root… and still be afraid of a spider.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you’re better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.
Nobody enjoys the ‘little show about nothing’ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.
Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’
We want to do a lot of stuff we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
We want to do a lot of stuff we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.