It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.
I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.
However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.
It’s very hard to have ideas. It’s very hard to put yourself out there, it’s very hard to be vulnerable, but those people who do that are the dreamers, the thinkers and the creators. They are the magic people of the world.
If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks.
Your career and your passion don’t always match up.
I just love bossy women. I could be around them all day. To me, bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means someone’s passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn’t mind leading.
Sometimes this book stays in the present, other times I try to cut myself in half and count the rings. Occasionally I think about the future, but I try to do that sparingly because it usually makes me anxious.
I was trapped in an awful spiral of insecure narcissism
Someday you will wake up feeling 51 percent happy and slowly, molecule by molecule, you will feel like yourself again.
Doing comedy for a living is, in a lot of ways, like a pony and a camel trying to escape from the zoo. It’s a ridiculous endeavor and has a low probability of success, but most importantly, it is way easier if you’re with a friend.
I’m a moon junky. Every time I look at the moon I feel less alone and less afraid. I tell my boys that moonlight is a magic blanket and the stars above are campfires set by friendly aliens.
I do a weird thing when I am nervous where I tilt my head back like I am super confident. This is my attempt to fake it until I make it, or at the very least make it easier for someone to slit my throat.
Girls, if a boy says something that isn’t funny, you don’t have to laugh.
There are so many people in the world with so little. Who cares why you decide to help?
We kept our heads down and did our jobs. We controlled the only thing we could, which was the show. We did the thing. Because remember, the talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.
I looked around and thought about my life. I felt grateful. I noticed every detail. That is the key to time travel. You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.
Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives? Is there a German word for that? Let’s say its schaufenfrieglasploit.
Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it.
If you ever want to see heaven, watch a bunch of young girls play. They are all sweat and skinned knees. Energy and open faces.
Bedtime is fraught with fear and disappointment. When it is just me alone with my restless body and mind, I feel like the whole world is asleep and gone. It’s very lonely. I am tired of being tired and talking about how tired I am.
Ignore what other people think. Most people aren’t even paying attention to you.
Debbie Downer” was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly.
You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.
Everyone lies about writing. They lie about how easy it is or how hard it was. They perpetuate a romantic idea that writing is some beautiful experience that takes place in an architectural room filled with leather novels and chai tea.
A person’s tragedy does not make up their entire life. A story carves deep grooves into our brains each time we tell it. But we aren’t one story. We can change our stories. We can write our own.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE RUINED!This book is one page long and just contains that one sentence.
I can party like a twenty-four-year-old but it takes me almost a week to recover.
Treat your career like a bad boyfriend. Your career wont take care of you. It won’t call you back or introduce you to its parents. Your career will openly flirt with other people while you are around.
You are all so good and I wish I were better. Now get out of here because I want to be where you are.
Fake boobs are weird ya’ll” read by Patrick Stewart.
Emotions are like passing storms, and you have to remind yourself that it won’t rain forever.
When you’re a stay-at-home mother you have to pretend it’s really boring, but it’s not. It’s enriching and fulfilling, and an amazing experience. And then when you’re a working mother you have to pretend that you feel guilty all day long.
I worked at an ice cream parlor called Chadwicks. We wore old-timey outfits and had to bang a drum, play a kazoo, and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to people while giving them free birthday sundaes. Lots of ice cream scooping and $1 tips.
There’s something so romantic about being broke in New York. You gotta do it. You have to live there once without any money, and then you have to live there when you have money. Let me tell you, of the two, the latter is far better.
When I had a job catering, I catered a wedding for the Smashing Pumpkins bassist in Indiana. And I served Billy Corgan shrimp off a tray.