Top 32 Jon Stewart Quotes

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.


You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.


I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.


Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.


By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.


The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.


The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.


Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.


Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.


The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.


I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.


I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.


Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain


You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.


Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.


Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.


It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.


No one is better at not beating America than England.


I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance


To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!


Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don’t have any of it right now.


I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.


If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.


Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.Those fighting to keep those people out – are.


Race is there. You’re tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.


The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.


Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.


When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?


[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.


I’m not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.


The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.


Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we’re in a battle between tyranny and freedom – it’s a series of pendulum swings.



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