Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.
I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family.
People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.
Francine looked up and mouthed, “Thank you.” “any titme,” I lied.
The real proof that I have tried to love and that people have tried to love me back was never going to fit in a kitchen drawer.
It’s so clear to me now: the memorizing of a fake prayer, the symbolization of objects, the struggle to relate to the invisible – I needed a religion. I was lost.
Perhaps if I’d had God in my life growing up I would have been able to understand the total and complete unfairness of the universe rewarding mean girls
There is a point in most abusive relationships when it occurs to the beaten party that they are guilty of putting their face in the way of someone else’s fist.
So natural and universal is a child’s curiosity about sex and so long are we conscious of it before we do it, that our original impressions of it leave an indelible mark.
Why do people always want to put their hands on vulnerability? I sped up.
I have never pictured my own wedding. I do want to get married. It’s a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos – you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life.
love is not boastful. But hate? Apparently hate has a big mouth.
I thought of the past and how one should have respect for it, like the elderly.
It should be noted that my mother has a long history of being disturbingly unperturbed by what normal people deem perturbing. Certain things simply don’t strike her as worthy of a sit-down.
Teddy bears are best because they understand it’s nice to be alone.
Its remarkable the logic we build around a misapprehension.
People who just had sex had an annoying habit of assuming everyone around them had just had sex. Which was also, coincidentally, what people who were not having sex assumed.
Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?
You should never wear anything you can’t afford to lose.
It’s remarkable the logic we’ll build around a misapprehension.
People tend to be more tofu-like, able to absorb whatever environment they’re dropped into. But where does the adaptability end and your actual personality begin?
How above-the-law children’s books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).
I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you’re not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.
My mother is a special education teacher but also an artist, and my father an advertising executive. They are about as wacky as you can get without being alcoholics.
Are there moments when I see unrequited crushes or ex-boyfriends slow dancing with their dates and kind of want to stab myself in the spleen with a salad fork? Yeah, sure.
I like to try to do a little work before I do anything in the morning, even if it’s a paragraph.
I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiot’s body.
Alaska is what happens when Willy Wonka and the witch from Hansel and Gretel elope, buy a place together upstate, renounce their sweet teeth, and turn into health fanatics.
Air travel is the safest form of travel aside from walking; even then, the chances of being hit by a public bus at 30,000 feet are remarkably slim. I also have no problem with confined spaces. Or heights. What I am afraid of is speed.
I’m a summer baby, so I usually have my birthday as a good summer memory.
The year most of my high school friends and I got our driver’s permits, the coolest thing one could do was stand outside after school and twirl one’s car keys like a lifeguard whistle. That jingling sound meant freedom and power.