Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.
I’d rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren’t what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you’ve learned to fake that the rest is easy.
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city.
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family … in another city.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I look better feel better make love better and I’ll tell you something else … I never lied better.
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.
I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.