See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
The ‘Aladdin’ thing – that’s not work; that’s just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.
A lot of vets like ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ – I get great letters from guys.
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I do believe in love; it’s wonderful – especially love third time around, it’s even more precious; it’s kind of amazing.
Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn’t turn out very well – you go, ‘Why did you do that?’ But in the end, I can’t regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.
The essential truth is that sometimes you’re worried that they’ll find out it’s a fluke, that you don’t really have it. You’ve lost the muse or – the worst dread – you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.
If Heaven exists, to know that there’s laughter, that would be a great thing.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, ‘Oh, man!’ I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
People say satire is dead. It’s not dead it’s alive and living in the White House.
Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.
My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
I write on big yellow legal pads – ideas in outline form when I’m doing stand-up and stuff. It’s vivid that way. I can’t type it into an iPad – I think that would put a filter into the process.