Sometimes I just think depression’s one way of coping with the world. Like, some people get drunk, some people do drugs, some people get depressed. Because there’s so much stuff out there that you have to do something to deal with it.
It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare, you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.””And what is that nightmare, Craig?””Life.
you have to be the prude or the slut, and if you pick one, other people hate you for it, and you can’t trust anyone anymore, because they’re all after the same thing, and you see that you can never go back to how was before…
We look into each other’s eyes as we shake. His are still full of death and horror, but in them I see my face reflected, and inside my tiny eyes inside his, I think I see some hope.
And I could have died right then. And considering how things went, I really should have.
Dreams are only dreams until you wake up and make them real.
You all right, man?’ This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah…’ I stumble.Don’t bug Craig,’ Ronny is like. ‘He’s in the Craig zone. He’s Craig-ing out.
I wanted to tell people, “My depression is acting up today” as an excuse for not seeing them, but I never managed to pull it off.
I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.
I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I’m not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?
I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I’m afraid I’ll stutter.
I’m fine. Well, I’m not fine – I’m here.””Is there something wrong with that?””Absolutely.
(…) Since I was a kid.””Which you refer to as ‘back when you were happy.'””Right.
You want to play video games twenty-four hours a day?””Or watch. I just want to not be me. Whether it’s sleeping or playing video games or riding my bike or studying. Giving my brain up. That’s what’s important.
I have a system with bathrooms. I spend a lot of time in them. They are sanctuaries, public places of peace spaced throughout the world for people like me.
I don’t-” I shake my head. (…) “What? What were you going to say?” This is another trick of shrinks. They never let you stop in midthought. If you open your mouth, they want to know exactly what you had the intention of saying.
It’s a huge thing, this Shift, just as big as I imagined. My brain doesn’t want to think anymore; all of a sudden it wants to do.
Whether it’s sleeping or playing video games or riding my bike or studying. Giving my brain up. That’s what’s important.
It’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. … you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.
I’ll fail.””At schoool.””Failing at school is failing at life.
When you mess something up, you learn for the next time.
It’s not a big thing, but I guess it’s true- big things are often just small things that are noticed.
I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad.
Like I’m on the verge of just blowing up. All the stress and pressure and anxiety just bubbling up.
After college, I went through my own shit and decided that all physical suffering in the world couldn’t compare to mental anguish. And when I got myself, I decided to help other people.
And I’m not assuming and I’m not judging. I’m just being curious.
I can smell the sex on her. I hope she smells the love on me.
I am a guy,” I say.”And I hate boys,” she says.”But a guy’s different,” I say.”Maybe a little,” she says.