Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.
One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
We had a choice between Democrats who couldn’t learn from the past and Republicans who couldn’t stop living in it…
Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious.
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
The whole idea of government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.
It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.
Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn’t look the way America does.
The American political system is like fast food–mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things…and everybody wants some.
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
We all know how ‘modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.’ It’s the slipups in the ‘pass them out to the poor’ department that inspire a study of Economics.
The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.