The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn’t require any.
Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious – just dead wrong.
A railroad station? That was sort of a primitive airport, only you didn’t have to take a cab 20 miles out of town to reach it.
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
New York is the only city in the world where you can get run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian.
When you’re the only pea in the pod your parents are likely to get you confused with the Hope diamond.
Happiness is a small and unworthy goal for something as big and fancy as a whole lifetime and should be taken in small doses.
Happiness is a small and unworthy goal for something as big and fancy as a whole lifetime and should be taken in small doses.
When compelled to cook I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag.
Roosevelt’s declaration that Americans had ‘nothing to fear but fear itself’ was a glorious piece of inspirational rhetoric and just as gloriously wrong.
Newspaper people, once celebrated as founts of ribald humor and uncouth fun, have of late lost all their gaiety, and small wonder.
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Listen once in a while. It’s amazing what you can hear.
Reporters thrive on the world’s misfortune. For this reason they often take an indecent pleasure in events that dismay the rest of humanity.
An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious – just dead wrong.
When it comes to cars, only two varieties of people are possible – cowards and fools.
You can always tell folks from nonfolks. Folks like to feel good, like to smile for the camera when there’s a big photo opportunity for a really good cause.
I gave up on new poetry myself 30 years ago when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens in a hostile world.
Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O’Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it.
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.