Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.
Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn’t got.
New York – The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say “These New Yorkers don’t dress any better than we do.
Let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
In America there are two classes of travel – first class and with children.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
In America there are two classes of travel – first class, and with children.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.