Things are seldom what they seem Skim milk masquerades as cream.
Of that there is no manner of doubt – No probable possible shadow of doubt – No possible doubt whatever.
He did nothing in particular And did it very well.
For he might have been a Rooshian A French or Turk or Proosian Or perhaps Italian. But in spite of all temptations To belong to other nations He remains an Englishman.
See how the Fates their gifts allot. For A is happy – B is not. Yet B is worthy I dare say Of more prosperity than A.
Darwinian Man though well-behaved At best is only a monkey shaved!
And whether you’re an honest man or whether you’re a thief depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.
A source of innocent merriment! Of innocent merriment.
Oh I am a cook and a captain bold And the mate of the Nancy brig And a bo’sun tight and a midshipmate And the crew of the captain’s gig.
You’ve no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself – and how little I deserve it.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes In stained-glass attitudes.
When every blessed thing you have is made of silver or of gold you long for simple pewter.
I always voted at my party’s call And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I always voted at my party’s call And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
You must stir it and stump it and blow your own trumpet or trust me you haven’t a chance.
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time – To let the punishment fit the crime.
And so do his sisters and his cousins and his aunts! His sisters and his cousins Whom he reckons up by dozens And his aunts!
If you wish in this world to advance Your merits you’re bound to enhance You must stir it and stump it And blow your own trumpet Or trust me you haven’t a chance.
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have – and I think he’s a dirty little beast.
Perhaps if you address the lady Most politely most politely Flatter and impress the lady Most politely most politely Humbly beg and humbly sue She may deign to look on you.