I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
I’ve met a lot of people who’ve lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you’re good at.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That’s like a sports thing, it’s not usually a comedy and writing thing.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn’t choose to.
America’s a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it’s really like magic because you transform reality for people.
It’s more fun to experience things when you don’t know what’s going to happen.
I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.
I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.
It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
Talking is always positive. That’s why I talk too much.
When you’re a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother’s assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, ‘This is just dumb.’
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don’t care about other stuff.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.