The only thing weaker than a toddler’s handshake is their immune system.
When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it’s for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.
In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. ‘Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.
There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.
I love the phrase “I have a sweet tooth.” I always want to say, “You’re ordering it for your tooth? That’s interesting, because it’s going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.
How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.
Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called ‘barbecue’.
I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ‘successful.
For me, it’s always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, ‘You were wonderful last night. I didn’t want it to end. I can’t wait to see you again.
I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.
Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato.
Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.
There’s something that’s really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I’m pretty bad at it.