I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.
Women need food, water, and complimentsThat’s right.And an occasional pair of shoes.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?
We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!
If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.
If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn’t been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.
A sense of humor is great – it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I’m famous.
I love being famous. It’s almost like being white.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I think my best work is when I’m kind of in charge.
President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.
I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I’ll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.