I want him to be happy. And I want you to be happy, too. Even if you can only find that happiness without me.
I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d fought for you. I was weak and stupid.
With him everything is a test, affection is measured, that given weighed against that which has been received, and the balance, more often than not, disappointing him.
I want to sleep. To find a safe place somewhere, and close my eyes, and rest, like an animal. That is what I am. An animal. Living from moment to moment, day to day, trying to make sense of the world in which I find myself.
There were never going to be any happy ending for me. I know that now. But that is all right. That is all right.
He forgave you though,’ said Claire. ‘He never held it against you, ever. All he cared about was that you lived, and that you got better. He would have given everything for that. Everything. Nothing else mattered.
And then, when there is nothing else between us but love, we can begin to find a way to truly be together.
I closed my eyes and abandoned myself to my grief. It felt better, somehow, to be helpless. I didn’t feel ashamed.
I am floating, I thought, completely without anchor, at the mercy of the wind.
Thoughts race, as if, in a mind devoid of memory, each idea has too much space to grow and move, to collide with others in a shower of sparks before spinning off into its own distance.
There are memories I am better off without. Things better lost forever.
What are we, if not an accumulation of our memories?
It’s so difficult, isn’t it? To see what’s going on when you’re in the absolute middle of something? It’s only with hindsight we can see things for what they are.
Pain, or pleasure. I could not tell where one ended and the other began.
I looked over at him, running in the distance. Another faulty, fucked-up brain in a healthy body.
I could see it all. The hand on the shoulder, then the hug. The mouths that find each other through the tears, the moment when guilt and the certainty that things must go no further gives way to lust and the certainty that they cannot stop.