I want to drag knives over my skin, just to feel something other than shame, but I’m not even brave enough for that
To have my hopes raised and dashed again, it’s like cold steel twisting in my gut.
We tell our stories differently, don’t we, you and I?
I wake abruptly, my breath jagged and heart racing, my mouth stale, and I know immediately that’s it. I’m awake. The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be.
I’m well aware that there is no job more important than that of raising a child, but the problem is that it isn’t valued.
A tiding of magpies: One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told
I want to drag knives over my skin, just so that I can feel something other than shame, but I’m not even brave enough to do that.
The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.
That’s my fault, of course, because I behaved stupidly, like a child, because I didn’t like feeling rejected. I need to learn to lose a little better.
I sit there on the floor with the picture in front of me and think about how things get broken all the time by accident, and how sometimes you just don’t get round to getting them fixed.
I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head.
Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things–their looks and their role as mothers. I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless.
Every time I think I’m about to seize the moment, it drifts back into the shadows, just beyond my reach.
As for him “feeling dead”, that’s probably just a consequence of him being gone from your life for so long. In some sense he no longer feels real to you.
People think it’s terribly sad to spend Christmas alone, but it’s no sadder, really, than spending any other day alone, is it?
I was commissioned to write some romantic fiction, and I really liked doing those, and they were very instructive in terms of building characters and plots. But it never felt right for me.